An African-American Guide to Ethical Non-Monogamy Coaching (From a Black ENM Coach)

If you’re a Black woman, man, or non-binary person who’s even whispered to yourself:

“Monogamy doesn’t feel like the whole story for me… but I don’t know what to do with that…”

…you are exactly who I’m talking to.

I’m Taylor K. Sparks — Ethical Non-Monogamy Coach, Sex Goddess, and Founder of OrganicLoven.com — and I’ve been personally and professionally immersed in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) for over 16 years.

I’ve also been Black that whole time.
Which means I know what it’s like to:

Love God and love good sex
Want more than traditional monogamy and hear your ancestors in your ear
Hold it down for your family while quietly wondering, “Is this all there is for my love life?”

This guide is for the Black folks who are curious, questioning, or quietly living some version of ENM… and wondering whether ENM coaching could actually help.

Let’s talk about what that really means — from a Black ENM coach who lives this life.

Why ENM Feels Different in Black Communities

You can Google “polyamory coach” all day and you’ll find a lot of white faces and very theoretical conversations.

But if you grew up Black, you’re probably carrying a very specific mix of messages:

“What happens in this house stays in this house.”
“We don’t air our business.”
“A good Black woman/man sticks it out.”
Church sermons about “for better or worse” and “the flesh.”
Unspoken agreements around cheating, side partners, and “everybody knows but nobody says.”

Add in:

Respectability politics
Racism and survival
The pressure to be the strong Black ______ who doesn’t break up the family

…and suddenly, even questioning monogamy can feel like betrayal — of your people, your faith, or your image.

So when Black clients come to me for ENM coaching, they’re not just asking:

“How do I open my relationship?”

They’re really asking:

“How do I honor my desire without dishonoring my people?”
“How do I explore this without becoming the villain in my own story?”
“How do I do something different than the secrets and cheating I grew up seeing… without repeating the same hurt?”

That’s where ethical non-monogamy — and actual coaching — come in.

What Ethical Non-Monogamy Is (and What It Isn’t)

Let’s clear this up, because a lot of what’s called “open” or “poly” is just highly organized cheating.

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) means:

Everyone involved has the same truth
There is informed consent (not, “If they don’t know, it doesn’t hurt them”)
There are agreements that you actually keep, update, and talk about
There is space for everyone’s needs, boundaries, and humanity

ENM can look like:

A monogamish couple who occasionally invite others in
A married person dating another partner
A polycule with multiple connected relationships
A single person ethically dating multiple people

What ENM is not:

“I do what I want, when I want, and my partner just has to deal.”
A cover story for lying, sneaking, and gaslighting
A magic solution that makes all jealousy and insecurity disappear

If you already know that something about monogamy doesn’t fit you, but you also don’t want to recreate the same old messy cheating cycles, that’s where ENM coaching becomes powerful.

Why I Coach This (and Why You Can Trust Me)

I don’t coach ethical non-monogamy because it’s trendy. I coach it because I’ve lived it, studied it, and walked people through it for years.

Before I ever put “ENM coach” in my bio, I spent over 20 years certified in human behavior and holistic aromatherapy, helping people understand how their minds, bodies, and nervous systems respond to stress, desire, fear, and change.

I also spent 10 years as a corporate trainer with a focus on:
– Communication and difficult conversations
– Conflict resolution
– Management and leadership
– Critical thinking and decision-making

All of those skills come with me into coaching: I’m not just listening to your stories; I’m watching the patterns, the language, the nervous system responses, and the power dynamics, and then helping you shift them in real time.

On the personal side, I was married for 25 years — 12 of those monogamous and 13 ethically non-monogamous. I’ve sat on both sides of this fence: the “good” wife doing everything “right” in monogamy, and the woman consciously building a life that includes multiple loves, more honesty, and more freedom.

So when I say I understand the fears, the culture, the family dynamics, the church background, the sex, the shame, and the deep desire for more — I’m not guessing. I’ve lived it, I’ve studied it, and I’ve helped others move through it with a lot more grace and a lot less chaos.

So… What Does an ENM Coach Actually Do?

Ethical non-monogamy coaching is not “someone cheering you on while you date more people.”

A good ENM coach helps you:

1. Get honest about what you actually want

We look at questions like:

Do you want a fully open life, or are you longing for one extra freedom?
Do you crave emotional connection with others, or mostly sexual adventure?
Are you seeking ENM from an aligned place… or trying to escape something?

You don’t need the “politically correct” answer. You need your truth.

2. Untangle jealousy, fear, and anxiety

Jealousy isn’t a sign that you “can’t do ENM.”
It’s a sign that something in you needs attention.

We map your triggers:

Abandonment fears
Comparison spirals
Old wounds from infidelity
Body image and aging
Money, security, and power dynamics

Then we use practical tools to calm your nervous system in real time so you’re not shutting down, exploding, or saying “yes” to things your body is screaming “no” to.

3. Design your ENM blueprint

No two Black families or relationships look the same — your ENM shouldn’t either.

We look at:

Relationship status (married, partnered, single, situationship)
Kids, extended family, church community, work visibility
Capacity: time, energy, emotional bandwidth

From there, we sketch what ENM could look like for you, including:

Clear agreements
Boundaries around time, money, sex, sleepovers, social media
Privacy vs secrecy

4. Practice the hard conversations

We don’t just talk about your partner(s).
We practice what you’re actually going to say:

“I love you. I also have desires that don’t fit inside our current box.”
“This agreement doesn’t feel fair or sustainable anymore.”
“I am jealous — and here’s what I need from you instead of you shrinking.”

If you’re Black, there may be extra layers:

Religious guilt and scripture
Fear of “breaking up” the Black family
Worry about what the kids, mama, or church folks will think

We address those, too — with compassion and strategy.

Why a Black ENM Coach Can Be Different

Can a white coach or therapist help you with ENM? Yes.

But for many of my Black clients, working with a Black ENM coach feels like:

Not having to translate your whole existence
Not needing to explain “Why my mom/Big Mama/pastor will react like THIS”
Being able to name racism, respectability politics, and cultural nuance in the same breath as jealousy and desire

I understand:

How our communities have survived through “we don’t divide the family” thinking
How infidelity has been normalized and quietly accepted in some households
How Black women and femmes are often expected to be sexually available and the moral center

You don’t have to educate me on that before we get to your actual feelings. We can start where you are.

Who ENM Coaching Is For (and Who It Isn’t For)

ENM coaching with me is for you if:

You’re curious about ENM and want to explore without burning your life down
You’re already in ENM but it feels chaotic, emotional, or unbalanced
You and your partner want support from someone who has actually lived this
You’re over 30, 40, 50+ and tired of pretending you’re satisfied with “the script”

It’s not for you if:

You’re looking for permission to cheat more effectively
You want me to convince your partner to do something they truly don’t want
You refuse to take any responsibility for your part in the dynamic
You want a therapist, not a coach (I’m not diagnosing or prescribing — I’m coaching, guiding, and holding you accountable to your own truth)

How ENM Coaching With Me Works

Right now, I offer a few main ways to work together:

ENM New Year Clarity Intensive (90 minutes)

A focused, 1:1 session where we:

Map your current situation
Unpack your biggest pain points (jealousy, fear, confusion)
Clarify what you actually want ENM to look like (or if you want it at all)
Give you concrete next steps you can implement immediately

This is the best place to start if you’re serious but not sure what long-term support you need yet.

6-Week ENM Coaching Program

For folks who know:

“I don’t want to just understand ENM — I want to actually live it differently.”

Over 6 weeks, we:

Deep-dive into your patterns, stories, and agreements
Calm your nervous system and give you tools to handle hard moments
Work through real-time situations as they come up
Practice conversations and build a sustainable ENM blueprint

This is where we create real, lasting change — not just insight.

Free 20-Minute Clarity Call

If you’re thinking:

“Taylor, I feel you… but I need to feel you before I invest.”

We can start with a free 20-minute clarity call.

It’s not a full coaching session, but it is a space to:

Share what’s going on
Ask me questions
See if we’re a good fit to work together

From there, we decide together: Intensive? 6-week program? Something else? Or not now?

Book your Free 20-Minute Clarity Call
Learn more about ENM coaching with me

If You Don’t Work With Me (How to Choose a Coach Anyway)

Even if you never hire me, I still want you in good hands.

When you’re looking for an ENM coach — especially as a Black person — ask:

Do they have lived experience in ENM, not just theory?
Do they understand or respect the realities of being Black in this world?
Do they talk about ethics, consent, and emotional responsibility, or just “opening up”?
Do you feel like you can tell them the whole truth… including the messy, contradictory parts?

If the answer is no, keep looking.
Your heart, your body, your people — they’re worth more than half-baked “poly advice.”

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Wrong for Wanting More

If you’ve read this far, your spirit is probably already whispering:

“I want more honesty. More freedom. More alignment. More pleasure.
I just don’t want to blow my whole life up to get it.”

You are not wrong, greedy, or broken for wanting that.

You are allowed to question monogamy.
You are allowed to design something different.
You are allowed to get support as a Black person navigating all of this.

I’m not here to make your choices for you.
I’m here to support you in understanding them — and in creating relationships that are as expansive and authentic as you are.

If you’re ready for that next step, I’d be honored to walk with you.

Book your Free 20-Minute Clarity Call
Start with an ENM New Year Clarity Intensive

Your love. Your rules. Your freedom.