Yes Ma’am, Yes Sir…May I Have Another? How Playing With Power Can Make Sex Spicy

With the popularity of such novels as Fifty Shades of Grey, there’s been a resurgence of cultural interest in sex-based power dynamics. Having an exchange of power in bed doesn’t necessarily mean anything extreme; it can be as simple as experimenting with commands, limits, new scenarios, and more, as preferred.

Let’s begin with stating that no one should use Fifty Shades of Grey as a manual for power exchange in or out of bed. The relationship described in the book is unhealthy and doesn’t meet the BDSM lifestyle’s commitment to safe, sane, and consensual sex. This basically means both parties must agree to a certain type of power play, they must both be in their right minds, and each party has taken appropriate precautions to maintain each others safety.

Traditional power play requires a top and a bottom, or a dominant and a submissive. The top, or Dom, is generally in control and has a larger responsibility for maintaining safety in an obtuse way. However, the bottom, or sub, has an obligation to notify the Dom if anything becomes too intense or uncomfortable.

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Light power play might involve simple commands on the placement of the submissive’s body, and the sub would reply with “Yes Ma’am” or “Yes Sir.” This creates a feeling of control despite the fact that both parties know they can end that control at any time. Creating the atmosphere of a power exchange is often enough to spice up bedroom play considerably, and many eventually extend the play to more mundane tasks throughout the day. This allows both partners to tease one another, even via texting, and is great for intensifying arousal.

Some basic tips for beginners include:

• Clearly outline expectations for a play session. Honesty and communication are the only safe ways to enter into a BDSM scene or relationship. Know in advance what your soft and hard limits are. Soft limits are things you’d prefer not to do or don’t have a particular desire to do, but are willing to try to please your partner. Hard limits are things you absolutely refuse to do.
• When playing with someone new, set an alarm with a trusted friend. Let them know when you should be finished and have them call you to confirm you’re okay.
• Have a first-aid kit handy.
• Choose a safe word that isn’t likely to be said during ordinary pillow talk. Consider something like “banana,” or “giraffe.” Many decide to use a traffic light system, with the word “green” meaning “keep doing what you’re doing;” “yellow” meaning “slow down” or “check in with me;” and “red” meaning “stop.” Or my all time favorite – “get the fuck off of me!”

There are many ways to ensure safety and enjoyment in a BDSM relationship, but what it all comes down to is open and honest communication.

About Taylor Sparks
Taylor Sparks is a Holistic Sexual Health Educator, ENM Coach, and founder of Organic Loven, with 17 years of personal and professional experience navigating ethical non-monogamy. She's been cited as a sex and relationship expert in Forbes, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, GQ, Men's Health, Glamour, and 300+ articles.

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