Consent Is Sexy: Four Ways To Say Yes, Please!

California recently passed the nation’s first “active consent” law – which means the only acceptable form of consent (in a court of law) is to say “yes” to each sexual activity. Some naysayers have jumped on this and insist the “sex police” don’t appreciate nuance, or believe “legally safe” sex is going to be a robotic exchange of, “May I kiss you?” “Yes.” “May I hold your hand?” “Yes.” – and so forth.

Enter sexy consent: the kind of communication where it’s made abundantly clear what each partner wants and doesn’t want – without killing the mood. Those in polyamorous or BDSM relationships should already be accustomed to asking for consent. Communication is a necessity for the success of those types of relationships, but vanilla relationships (ironically) have far less tendency to initiate sexual activities verbally.

The key is to change your mindset regarding verbalized consent. Our current society has been raised with the idea that truly romantic vignettes between couples involve one of them being pushed against a wall and kissed until they stop fighting, becoming receptive to the action after the fact. The reality of that image is one of coercion and, in some cases, rape. You should never have sex with someone who doesn’t want to. Unless it’s an agreed upon scene between two consenting adults into BDSM, it’s not sexy – it’s sexual assault.

So, what’s sexy about verbalized consent?

Knowing a shy sexual partner’s wants can help them push past their embarrassment and tell you so.
Getting a thrill between your legs at their whispered “Yes… please!”
Becoming aware of the power you hold over them – and of the power they hold over you by giving vocal consent.
Trusting your partner enough to ask the question and showing them they can trust you.

What if they say “no”?

Consider their feelings. Do you really want to have sex with someone who doesn’t reciprocate your wants?
They may be feeling sick or down. Talking them into sex when they aren’t at their best isn’t just unfair – it’s coercive.
Jail isn’t fun… If it’s someone you don’t know very well, it’s a terrible idea to pressure them into sex.

If the person is your significant other, consider discussing how they are feeling about sex or why they don’t feel up to it. Find out if there’s anything else they may need from you at that moment. Relationships are about more than sex.

Active consent means you don’t have the right to have sex with someone just because they didn’t say no. A double negative doesn’t equal consent. Rethink what “yes” means to you and how you can incorporate it into your relationships. After all, consent isn’t just sexy – it’s required.

LOVE: Organically, Purely, Deeply, Naturally, Boldly

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